My depression, summer travel plans, awesome photos + other updates

The past 12 months have been seriously tough on me… But I’ll talk about my summer travel plans first before I lose my inspiration altogether.

summer travel plans, Canadian poutine

Canadian poutine: yes, PLEASE (The Kozy Shack, Flickr)

My summer travel plans: Ontario & Québec, Canada!

After my dreams were crushed last month, I knew I had to come up with some quick summer travel plans. And while I was so paralyzed I couldn’t even think of a destination for days, I was finally reminded of TBEX Toronto. This meant… 2 weeks in Canada because flights were cheap on those dates! 😛

On May 18th, I have an overnight layover in Toronto before flying out the 19th to Montréal. I’ll meet with fellow blogger Karla and hopefully do a week-long road trip, including Ottawa and Québec City. I can’t wait to finally try poutine, eat in the dark at O.NOIR, and experience French culture. Oh by the way, believe it or not, I haven’t been to France yet! So this road trip should be fun…

summer travel plans, Québec

Old Québec City by Andre Mondou, Flickr

A week later, I’ll head out to Toronto and stay there until June 4th. I plan to go Couchsurfing and hang out with locals most of my stay, not doing tours until the conference weekend. That means no-plans Toronto, woo hoo! Except for a couple of restaurants I want to check out from this list and…

A Niagara Falls and winery tour on May 30th! I got invited by a Canadian operator to take part of such day trip with Karla — really looking forward to it. More details to come.

Then it’s TBEX time: agenda packed as always. Weekend will include:

* A First-Timer’s Special: All About Toronto tour for 3 hours the morning of Friday, May 31st. Then, after lunch, it’ll be time to hit the kaleidoscope of international neighborhoods  this Canadian city has to offer with the Toronto: The World in a City tour! Best of all? Both outings were included with my conference ticket 😀

* June 1-2nd = all-day conference sessions + pitching attendants. Parties TBA!

summer travel plans, Toronto

Toronto’s Little Portugal? (Robyn Lee, Flickr)

* Was planning on taking part of some TBEX tours that Monday after the sessions. Unfortunately, they were all full, so it seems like I’ll be couchsurfing once more from June 3-4th!

Rest of my summer travel plans: road tripping Puerto Rico

As you know, I moved back with my parents in Puerto Rico on April. While I haven’t been getting as much sun is I would like, I do plan to do lots of day trips soon as I get back from Canada. I even bought some surfing lessons on the West Coast! That’s, of course, assuming my friend actually gets the travel bug…

Either way, my boyfriend is finally visiting from June 23 – July 9 and we got some exciting plans then! Here are some photos I’ve taken the past month to get you excited:

summer travel plans, caving

I’ll take you caving…

summer travel plans, Puerto Rico cave

yes, REALLY!

summer travel plans, Cueva Ventana

We’ll take in gorgeous vistas…

summer travel plans, culinary adventures

…among other adventures!

What about my depression? Not doing too well…

Now on to the sad news: I haven’t been doing too well. In fact, I’ve been doing horrible. You have no idea the amount of will power it took me to write about my summer travel plans all happy-go-lucky. Truth of the matter is, I’ve lost control of most of my life. This type A individual is going absolutely nuts because:

  • No news from workers comp insurance about new orthopedic doctor
  • I’m in pain, even though I’ve been using voice recognition software + minimal work
  • Not being able to drive nor work online much, I have nothing to do during the day
  • I’m not close to the beach or anything truly exciting
  • Did I mention I haven’t seen a fucking doctor in over a month?!

I don’t fucking know where I’m going. Heck, besides my summer travel plans & paying off my debt with my disability checks, I have NO IDEA what the fuck is going to happen to my life. My career. To everything. The fact I can’t keep myself busy with work or hang out with friends because THEY are working is not helping me deal with my demons. Not at all. It’s actually FEEDING them. It’s quite scary.

dealing with depression

Feeding The Black Dog by Michelle Robinson, Flickr

The reason why I’m letting you know? So you keep tabs on me.

Sorry, but you can’t tell a person suffering from depression to please think of their blessings, etc. I KNOW THAT. I’M KNOW I’m lucky. Believe it or not, I send a thanksgiving prayer to the heavens every night. Still, that doesn’t help me cope during the day. That doesn’t help me quiet the big loud Black Dog. Honestly, all I can think of is ways to hurt myself. I’m surprised I haven’t done it yet…

Right now, I’m really holding back from throwing every object in my room.

This is worse than prison! If I only had time to spend with my family during the day, that would make it all better. But I don’t. They are working, working too hard because of this American Dream mirage. I only get to truly hang out with them on weekends. I then thought about going housesitting abroad or something. But I can’t. Why?

I can’t fucking move until they find me a fucking orthopedic doctor!

If I move and don’t see a doctor, they suspend the disability checks that are actually paying for my debt. I have to stay put. It’s the stupidest fucking situation…

I called my lawyer to try to speed things up, but nothing has happened in about a month. Thank goodness I’m going to Canada in less than 2 weeks or else…

*sighs* making my blog a bit more personal. Hope I didn’t scare you…

I know: depression doesn’t make sense to onlookers or even my own self.

dealing with depression, waiting for better day

Waiting for a better day…

Do you have any exciting summer travel plans? Share them with us below

19 thoughts on “My depression, summer travel plans, awesome photos + other updates

  1. OMG I can’t believe you’ll be here in just a few days!

    Wow, time flies. Come on over, we’ll go for poutine & we’ll be on the road before we know it!

    Chin up. Things will get better and you need this trip to lift your spirits.

    Everything will work out in divine time & order.

    Fuerza, animo 😉

    See you soon!

    Meeee

  2. Not long until Canada, and I can’t WAIT to see you there! Just know that there are people who love you, whether they be family, friends, or just some folks on the internet that you haven’t even met yet.

    I don’t know what depression is like, nor do I have any experience of it with family members, so I can’t really comment and say too much, except ohmygod LOOK AT THAT POUTINE. A few weeks until you’ll be devouring it.

    • you’re lucky to have never looked at the ugly face of depression, ever. It’s not pretty.

      Can’t wait to meet you as well! These 2 weeks of Canada are probably all I need right now… And that POUTINE, of course! 😉

  3. Thanks so much for sharing- you’re SO BRAVE for sharing your feelings. And I so empathize at the moment. Similar rut. Travel plans crashed, looking for the cheapest ticket to an exotic destination & worst of all.. unemployed. Rough year & of course as a blogger, we’re all working on our traffic. Stress. Anyways, as a travel blogger, sometimes we write our travels & sometimes, it gets to feeling like our travels write us. “What the f@#K am I going to do?” has been my mantra for the past months.

    Things will work out. Things will pass. Just as always… you’ll be fine. Hang in there!

  4. I know it must be hard for anyone with depression but just try and look at all the good things if possible – your travel plans for the summer sound great. I havent got any plans yet!

  5. The last time my best friend told me she was thinking of hurting herself, she ended up in the hospital because she overdosed on pills due to severe depression living in Florday. Maria if you are reading this, pleas please, don’t hurt yourself in any way. Really. I know it sounds super duper cliche and all and I’m sure this won’t mean much coming from a stranger but seriously – THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS! It will, and before you know it, you’ll be in Canada! Montreal and Quebec in general is beautiful and I hope you’ve saved enough excitement throughout your depression days to get through each and every day. I don’t know if you’re into it, but I do yoga when I’m depressed as hell. It’s helped a lot of people through their pains as well. You don’t even have to leave the house or spend $, just look up Yoga vids on YouTube, there’s plenty of them. A little bit of fun to keep you sane. Feel better chica!

    • thank you Antoinette. Don’t worry, I’m too much of the worst to really hurt myself badly. My mind is just cluttered up with negativity, hopefully this Canada break will help.

  6. Hi Maria, Just read your blog and I know where you are at.

    Having been through three work-related major surgeries (two shoulders, one wrist) in three years and coping with major depression at the same time, gives me a fair idea of the dark place you find yourself in.

    The truth is, getting away to Canada, if it is still in the plans, is probably the best thing you can do for yourself right now. Unfortunately I found out too that the so-called experts turned out to be next to useless and that it was only through a lot of hard work on my part to get out of the house, and a great deal of love and support from family and friends that I have made it to this point.

    So, get out there, have the holiday of your life, and try to identify those around you who can come alongside when it gets tough and support you through it (not tell you to cheer up and get over it!). You can do it and you will get through this.

    Al the very best and hang in there mate.

    Trevor

    • leaving to Canada this Saturday, going to be away for 2 weeks. Hopefully that will help my mind, as it’s cluttered up with negativity. The break will be embraced! thanks for your comment

  7. Thanks for sharing that. I know you can’t help it when you think of ways to hurt yourself, but I hope you don’t.

  8. Tienes a tus fans. Puedes hanguiar en Google chat! hay muchos puertorros en peores condiciones.
    Yo: En Miami, buscando trabajo. T envio saludos. Y mucha fortaleza.

    • Muchísimas gracias, Gia. Nunca te había visto por aquí, es bueno saber que tengo fans aún si son silenciosos 😉

      Abrazos, te agarro la fortaleza.. (¡y mucha suerte en tu búsqueda de trabajo!)

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