Want to live out a secret affair fantasy? Want to feel like you’re a shady Puerto Rican government official? Want to order fried food naked? We have the hot spot for you: Puerto Rico MOTELS. Specifically, this Travel Bucket List Wednesday we share our Hotel OK Puerto Rico review, compliments of (mainly) Mr. B.
To those who are uninitiated to the seedy underbelly of Puerto Rico motels: In essence, they are places to have sex and have no one know you were there. When it comes to the Hotel OK Puerto Rico, there’s a big bright sign for an entrance, like one of a football arena. But then, as soon as you turn in, the “roads” become dark alleys of Sin City.
As you pull in, you park in one of the many open garages inside each “suite.” When you get out of your vehicle, you feel a hush tone over the entire area. Besides the odd buzz of whizzing golf carts and packs of wild dogs, all you hear is silence. A man drives up, I hand him my credit card (he looked like a real straight shooter, right Maria?)…and he was off. Then, we were left to our devices at the Hotel OK Puerto Rico suite.
Inside the Hotel OK Puerto Rico Suite
Up the stairs, behind the mystery door: A mirrored playroom filled with a Jacuzzi, a stripper pole, disco lights, disco ball, a bar, and strange chair are unveiled. The latter seemed to be used for confusing sexual positions (a love machine, I’m told). Upon entrance, I was WAY out of my comfort zone, so all I had was a goofy smile on my face. The area seems to be cleaned just enough to not gross me out. However, once I stepped into the bathroom, it seemed like no one had been there at all! There were broken tiles, awkward flushing toilets, no A/C to the bathroom. What was left was an open window, with men joking with one another in Spanish right below it. Since I didn’t know what they were saying, I’ll add lib: “What up Carlos, you here to have sex too?” Carlos: “Hey Sebastian, yeah you know what a kawinkadink LOL.” Sebastian: “Man, can’t wait to tweet this #motelaffair LMAO.”
When I went back into the room, Maria was looking over the Hotel OK Puerto Rico menu (digitally shown on TV). Offerings included food, lube, condoms, dolls…but NO COMBO MEALS! I mean, if I order your fried combo platter, you might as well assume that I ain’t got a chick in here and throw the blow up for free…
The Romantic Hot Tub
I turned the faucet on to start filling the Jacuzzi. As I waited for the red heart-shaped hot tub to fill up, I flipped the Hotel OK Puerto Rico menu channel onto “regular” TV programming. Then BAM: I’m b**ls deep in what looks like the most amateur porn I have ever seen. The women looked worn, the tracks in their arms fresh, and the camera seemed to be excited as it was constantly shaking. So after a short browse, I turned it off. By then, Maria had decided on what “sexy items” and alcohol we wanted, so we called room service.
Now onto what the Hotel OK Puerto Rico does right: There’s a hidden little wooden door, where room orders are placed. This was built so that no one can actually see each other when “transactions” take place. I could be naked, clothed and/or still in a comprising position–it does not matter. I felt this was genius and all hotels should have this method of room service:
The masked man handed me the food and my card (glad it made it back). At this point, we sat down in the heart-shaped Jacuzzi; jets on and bubbles flowing. I can’t lie: this has been on my travel bucket list since Dumb and Dumber came out. To have it finally checked off with alcohol and fried Puerto Rican food was definitely a highlight. I don’t even think Alzheimer’s will ever take that away.
Sexy Time Calling. And…
After fueling up, we decided to use what the Hotel OK Puerto Rico was made for. So we ****** on *** ******* for about 10-15 minutes, then we ****** in ** ********* which I think are illegal in my home state of Texas if I’m honest. After are some cuddles, Maria and I fell asleep. Now, this is when it got weird…
I woke to someone serenading their mate with “I’m on a payphone” by whatever that band is named (you know, with the dude in the bank robbery music video?). After the serenade finally stopped, I heard the yip of what I assumed was a woman…but she sounded more like a small dog. When Maria finally woke up and stated that “those cleaning ladies need to stop singing so loud,” I just laughed. Hard.
8 Hours of Fantasy
Around 6 AM, the honeymoon at the Hotel OK Puerto Rico was finally over–we were off to the hustle-and-bustle of Puerto Rican life. We snuck back into her parents’ house early and enjoyed a great breakfast feast from the madre. The great thing about this was the little mischievous smiles we shared for the rest of the day. It was our little secret: we snuck out to have a romantic evening together. It was ours only ours. We were able to wink and hold hands as if we were high school sweethearts that “got away with it.”
TLDR: Get a partner, go to a sexy Puerto Rico motel, and have fun.
Next: We step it up & visit a luxurious, cleaner sexy motel